


My Sunshine [Triggering]

by particulataste



Category: Shawn Mendes (Musician)
Genre: Angst, Child Death, Divorce, Established Relationship, F/M, Father-Daughter Relationship, Heavy Angst, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-05
Updated: 2018-12-05
Packaged: 2019-09-12 07:58:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,269
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16869133
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/particulataste/pseuds/particulataste
Summary: The aftermath of the heartbreak that tore a family apart.





	My Sunshine [Triggering]

“You are my sunshine, my only sunshine,” Shawn whispered softly to himself, flicking the light off in the nursery and sluggishly wandering back into the bedroom.

You stood at the foot of the bed, clothes messily thrown into the multiple suitcases that covered the sheets.

Shawn leaned against the doorframe, arms folded across his firm chest as he watched your tired movements.

It was final.

The papers were signed, the rings were returned, and now you were leaving.

_“Who wants ice cream!?” Shawn called out in happiness, his little ray of sunshine squealing from the backseat as she kicked her legs against her booster._

_You chuckled at her excitement, leaning your hand to the back and gently resting it on her small knees._

_“Calm down, baby. Your throat, remember?” You reminded her of her cough, earning a quick nod from your little girl, but her smile never faded._

_You pulled back into your seat, Shawn’s hand reaching over the console and grabbing yours, kissing the back of your palm with a grin._

_“Ice cream is gonna help that throat of yours, Rosie. What flavor you gonna get?” Shawn called back to his little two-year-old._

_She clapped her hands together._

_“Chocolate!” She giggled, voice sweet despite her painful rasp._

_You rolled your eyes at how predictive she was._

_Just like her father, you guessed._

“I uh… I left the keys on the counter in the kitchen.” You mumbled to him, sniffling back more tears that threatened to spill.

Shawn nodded to himself with a set jaw, gnawing on the inside of his cheek out of a nervous habit.

“Y/N…” Shawn trailed off, eyes stuck on the carpet below them as your head snapped up to him.

You could see the tears pooling in his eyes.

Neither of you wanted this, but you knew it was for the best.

You dropped the shirt in your hand and wobbled into his arms, your bodies shaking as tears wracked through your veins.

“I love you, I love you so much. Please, remember that. Please, remember.” He whimpered into your hair.

You buried yourself deeper into his chest, never wanting to let go, but you knew you had to.

You were unhappy, the both of you.

At this point, love wasn’t enough anymore.

It was just an excuse not to address the elephant in the room down the hall.

_“Did you pick up Rosie’s meds?” You called from the kitchen as you unpacked the groceries Shawn had got from the store._

_“Yeah, in the pharmacy bag by the fruit bowl!” He called back, too occupied with the precious ball of joy that waddled around the lounge, curls bouncing on her head._

_You picked up the prescription, reading the dosage and laughing to yourself as you remember taking the same thing when you were younger._

_You felt a pair of strong arms wrap around your waist from behind, slightly startling you._

_“I used to **drink** that shit when I was little,” Shawn commented, chin resting in the crook of your neck._

_You snorted._

_“I’d pray for the banana flavor every time.” You replied with a small smile, setting the liquid medicine on the counter._

_You spun in Shawn’s arms and wrapped your arms around his neck._

_“Maybe we will actually get some sleep now that she won’t be coughing all night long.” He mentioned, the thought of a decent sleep almost melting you._

_You hummed, pressing up on your tiptoes to give Shawn a quick peck before spinning on your heels and wandering into the lounge._

You reluctantly pulled away, wiping your eyes on the sides of your fingers as Shawn rubbed his.

You couldn’t bear to look at him, couldn’t bear to see the pain on his face.

“I love you, Shawn. I’m so sorry.” You broke down once more, your heart shattering as he pulled you into his chest again.

He cooed you, reminding you that you had nothing to apologize for.

That it wasn’t your fault.

But, he still blamed himself.

_“Are you sure there’s nothing you can do?” You asked the doctor, voice raising over the screeching cries of your daughter._

_You gently bounced her on your knee, trying anything to soothe her that usually would._

_The doctor shook his head._

_“Two to three days and she will be back to normal. This is very usual for children of her age, especially if it’s their first throat infection.”_

_You huffed at the doctors’ words, nodding at him but secretly reminding yourself to get a second opinion._

_By the time you were out of the doctors’ office, you called Shawn and clipped Rosie into her car seat._

_“Hey, how did it go?” He asked straight away, his soft voice sounding through the car and soothing Rose immediately._

_You sighed to yourself._

_“Doctor Raj says she’ll be back to her normal self in a few days, but I wanna get a second opinion. She isn’t sleeping or eating like she usually does.”_

“I’m… I’m gonna go her room… say goodbye.” You choked out, trudging past the love of your life and down the hall.

You paused outside the door, her name plastered on it with pink flower stickers as you reluctantly opened the door.

The small night light beside her bed cast a soft pink glow over her princess bedroom, your heart shattering at the knowledge that you were leaving.

You fell into the armchair in the corner of the room, stifling your sobs with your hand as you tried to bask in the silence.

But you couldn’t.  

You hated the silence.

_“Mommy! It hurts!” Rosalie screamed out, small hands scratching at her throat._

_Shawn rubbed her back soothingly, shushing her in attempt to calm her down, but it was no use._

_She continued to splutter into the tissue you held to her mouth, small droplets of blood flaked along the tissue._

_You hid it from her every time, not wanting to scare her or yourself even more._

_Shawn gazed at you in complete worry, eyes frantic and lips parted as he wracked his mind for an explanation._

_“I’m calling Doctor Raj.” You stated, rushing to the bedroom and grabbing the home phone on Shawn’s nightstand._

You continued to sob into your hands, clutching her favorite teddy to your chest as you slowly rocked back and forth.

“You make me happy when skies are gray.” You hummed to yourself between muffled cries.

Shawn stood on the opposite side of the door, tears streaming down his cheeks as he heard you sing that same song he used to.

He couldn’t take it.

Couldn’t take the pain that came with your tears and heartache.

Couldn’t handle the truth of what had happened and what it was doing to you.

To him.

_“No! Your diagnosis is bullshit! I don’t care if it’s three in the morning, my daughter is sputtering blood! What the fuck is wrong with my baby!?”_

_You were in tears now, Shawn fighting back his own as he hummed a calming tune to his little girl._

_“The medicine isn’t working! Why won’t you refer her to a higher professional!?” You screamed through the phone, tearing at the roots of your hair._

_“Shush, baby. You’re okay, Daddy’s got you.” Shawn whispered to her, cradling her close to his chest._

_He rocked her back and forth gently, his soothing voice calming her screams but not her pain._

_“I can’t…” Shawn mumbled to himself, shaking his head as tears trickled down his cheeks._

_He stood from the ground, Rose in his arms as he stalked toward you and tore your phone from your grip._

_He threw it across the room, staring at you with such fear as you turned to Rose, noticing the wheeziness of her breathing._

“Mommy loves you. Mommy will always love you.” You sobbed, not daring to release your tight grip on her stuffed bear.

Shawn continued to silently cry to himself, slipping down the door as he huddled his knees to his chest. 

_“I know, sunshine… I know.” You held back a sob as you cuddled her into your chest in the back of Shawn’s jeep._

_He sped down the empty streets, rushing his way to the hospital while also being careful not to crash._

_Rose continued to scream in pain from beside you, clutching your shirt as she struggled to breathe through her swollen throat._

_She’d lost a lot of weight, her neck and jaw inflamed to twice their size and nothing would soothe the pain._

_You were convinced it was more than just a throat infection._

_And so was Shawn._

“I’m sorry we didn’t find it sooner.” You sobbed out, Shawn’s soul obliterating at the sound of your words.

It all played back out in his mind, the familiar heartbreak stabbing through his chest. 

_“Help! Please, we need some help!” Shawn cried out as you clambered in the reception of the hospital.  
_

_You couldn’t focus on anything other than your daughter’s cries, and the rush of nurses that swarmed by your side._

_“It… it’s our daughter.” Shawn stammered through tears, gripping his curls in fear and concern.  
_

Shawn was quick to find himself in the kitchen, nursing a bottle of whiskey as he swayed from side to side.

You’d left just hours ago, not having the strength to look back at him as your sister picked you up and took you back to her place.

Shawn stared mindlessly at the photo on the fridge; the three of you with cheesy grins in pure happiness and bliss. 

He doesn’t even recognize himself in it anymore, hasn’t smiled genuinely in such a long time, it’s like he’s forgotten how.

_Your fingers were intertwined tightly, tissues balled up in your clammy palms as you sat beside her bed._

_The bleeping of the heart monitor was the only thing that filled your ears._

_She could breathe now._

_Now that she had that mask on, at least._

_The doctors had been running tests on her for hours now, but they were yet to inform you and Shawn on the results._

Shawn shook his head profusely, smacking his temples with his palms as he tried to rid the memories from replaying in his mind.

It was no use.

_“Mr. and Mrs. Mendes?” Your heads snapped up to the voice of the doctor at the doorway._

_You both stood to your feet, eyes hopeful as she slowly approached you._

_“You may wanna sit back down.”  
_

Shawn stood abruptly, forcefully throwing the bottle and watching it shatter against the wall, the liquid staining the white paint as it dripped to the ground.

Shawn held his head in his hands, screaming for his mind to stop. 

_“Your daughter has Pleuropulmonary Blastoma, it’s a type of lung cancer that is typically diagnosed in children between the ages of three and four.”  
_

_The pair of you froze, deafening sobs tearing through your throat as Shawn sat in shock._

_He shook his head._

_“My little girl has… has c-cancer?” He swallowed, his stomach uneasy and he could physically feel his bones disintegrate within his skin.  
_

_“There… there are treatments though, right!? Chemo? Radiation?” You rushed, eager to get started and help your little girl.  
_

He fell to the ground, heart-wrenching cries tearing through his chest as he clawed his shirt open in an attempt to ease the pain.

_Shawn squeezed your hands in his._

_“I’m afraid Rosalie’s cancer has spread beyond where it started. The disease has traveled within the chest cavity and to the diaphragm. It’s gotten into her bloodstream and is taking root in her liver and brain.”  
_

_Shawn felt the life dissipate out of him, his world crashing down around him as you sobbed uncontrollably into his chest._

_“What are you trying to say!?” You snapped through gritted teeth, not sure if you really wanted to hear the words about to come from her mouth.  
_

_“The cancer is growing faster than anticipated. I’m sorry, but your daughter only has a few weeks.”  
_

“You were too young!” Shawn screamed out, clutching the photo that was on the fridge close to his chest.

“You were just a baby. My little baby. My ball of sunshine.”

_Two weeks had passed since Rose was diagnosed with PPB, but she continued to smile like a shining star, lighting up the room._

_They all knew she was in pain, but the child did her best to hide it._

_They knew the medication wasn’t working, that keeping her on the machine was doing more bad than good._

_Neither you or Shawn wanted to admit it, couldn’t even come to terms with it, but you couldn’t bear to see your little girl in pain anymore._

_The nurse injected her with a sedative like every other night, in the attempt to help her sleep._

_Although, tonight would be different._

_“Daddy, sing it again, I’m tired.” She yawned, cuddling her stuffed bear into her side as Shawn blinked back a few tears.  
_

_“Okay, baby. Just for you.” He smiled through the tears, watching her eyes flutter closed as she kept her fingers wrapped around Shawn’s.  
_

_You sobbed into her other hand, refusing to let go._

_“You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are gray.” Shawn whispered shakily to her, his large thumb gently brushing against the back of her small hand.  
_

_“You’ll never know, dear. How much I love you. Please don’t take my sunshine away.”_

_The bleeping of her heart monitor came to an abrupt stop as the nurse turned off the life support machine, and her grasp on life and Shawn’s fingers were slowly released._

“They took my sunshine away.”


End file.
